God blessed me with a fantastic wife who struggled to enter our marriage as God intended fully. Katie came from an emotionally abusive relationship, and before I started dating her, she started reading a book by Lysa Terkeurst to help put her life back together after the divorce.
Lysa is a famous author and President of Proverbs 31 Ministries. A couple of years ago, I pre-ordered Lysa’s new book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes,” thinking it might help Katie with some of the things she was still struggling with.
The book has been sitting idle in our Audible account that Katie and I have always shared. Although it was probably more for women, I decided to sit down and listen to it, hoping to help alleviate some of my pain from Katie abandoning our marriage—pain which was compounded by knowing that God had brought us together in the first place, knowing God thought she was the perfect one for me. As I started reading, I realized the book was for all relationships and, in extreme circumstances, marriage.
My first book with Katie was “The Naked Marriage,” which is a total contradiction to Lysa’s book about setting boundaries. I understand that boundaries might be required in certain situations, but this is not marriage as God intended it to be. Your marriage is supposed to be three cords. You and your spouse are tightly intertwined with God wrapped around you.
Although I do not feel the book applies to Katie and me, there were a couple of things that struck a chord.
- Lysa said. Are you in love with their potential rather than who they are right now?
- Lisa’s therapist talked about “triggers” in the book. He said a trigger is a stimulation caused by an internal thought or an external action from someone else. Whether an internal or external trigger, it causes a reaction that makes a painful incident in the past feel as if it’s happening in the present. It is almost as if we have been transported back to the scene of the crime.”
I want to comment on those two things.
1. The first talks about being in love with their “potential” and not who they are now. I can see what Lysa was saying, but in my case, I knew Katie when she was married to someone else. I already knew she was an exceptionally GREAT wife. I can also say that during our marriage, she was a great wife as well; however, I was frustrated with her for not following through on the promises she made to me (and God) and for not fully stepping into marriage. I was so frustrated that I called her a horrible wife on a few occasions, which certainly does not help a person who came from an abusive relationship where her husband left her for another woman.
2. Finally, there is no question that Katie suffers from triggers related to her past, which I feel have inhibited her from being the wife she promised me she would be. In the beginning, Katie told me she wanted me to be “honest,” “independent,” and “take leadership.” My attempts at being honest and taking leadership later proved to be “triggers.” In her defense, I later learned from our pastor that before you can offer 10% truth, you need to show 90% grace. I am still working on that, but I’ll say that in the past, I was more of a 90% truth and 10% grace kind of guy.
So, why doesn’t this book apply to Katie and me?
Despite Katie’s struggle to keep her commitments, I knew she had been dealing with battles before we got married. Because of this, I feel boundaries are inappropriate. But I also know I have done everything possible, and this is between Katie and God.
Our favorite online pastor was Jimmy Evans. Jimmy helped show Katie and me the marriage God had in mind for us. One of his videos, which we watched many times, discussed how our spouse can help walk us back and heal from our past. My job was to help Katie as hers was to help me. I believe Katie would tell you that I have been the most supportive person in her life when it comes to complementing and building her up. Out of the thousands of times I told her how beautiful she was, how smart she was, what a great nurse she was, and that she was the best thing that ever happened to me, the three times I called her a horrible wife are hard to forget.
Part of my professional development software now includes an “AI” suite, including ChatGPT. So I asked, “What did Jimmy Evans say about helping your spouse walk back and healing them from their past?”
ChatGPT responded, “Evans emphasizes that many individuals carry emotional scars into marriage, often subconsciously seeking a partner who can help heal these wounds. This dynamic can lead to conflicts when past hurts are triggered, but with awareness and intentional effort, couples can transform their relationship into a source of healing.”
There is that trigger word. I don’t remember him saying anything about that dynamic leading to conflicts, but time has proven that true.
In a nutshell, God created marriage to be perfect. He made my marriage to Katie perfect as well. But marriages also require work. They often require Christian counseling. But if God picks someone for you, the efforts will be worth the reward.
A naked marriage should always come before a marriage with boundaries. As far as I am concerned, boundaries are a last resort when things go wrong.
References
It’s not supposed to be this way book.
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